Respond Rather Than React

Hi, I’m Sandra. Welcome to The Happyist.

We sense before we feel before we think before we react. That’s how I describe the polyvagal response of our nervous system. What do I mean by that exactly?

Well, our reactions, our reflexes, happen in nanoseconds, right? Sometimes we find ourselves reacting before we even know what’s going on. It’s like walking into a quiet room full of people. What just happened? But, before we can ask, we sense the mood of the room, whether that’s tension from a disagreement, sadness from disappointing news, or quiet joy after the laughter ceases. We sense that atmosphere, and then we feel it. Our body responds. Our stomachs might clench at the thought of an argument we might be dragged into. Our shoulders might rise or slump from the information we are about to receive. Our lips might curl into a smile before we ask, “What did I miss?” Because now we are thinking. We know there is information that we are going to have to process. And now we are about to react. Our hearts might beat a little faster, our breath a bit more shallow, muscles might tense.

We are now in fight or flight, deep in the sympathetic stage of our nervous system’s polyvagal response. This is our action state. And, once upon a time, it kept us alive. Now? It pretty much stresses us out. We are still wired to react to information and stimuli rather than respond to it.

What’s the diff?

Well, a reaction is knee-jerk. It just sort of happens, and sometimes we’ll be halfway through a reaction before we even realize we are reacting. Sound familiar? And, it’s one thing if we’re in jeopardy. We don’t want to think that over and respond. No. We have to react. Do what needs to be done to protect ourselves. Go right into fight or flight, right into sympathetic action and live to see another day.

Photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash

But, if we’re at a family dinner and someone is pushing our buttons, if we are exhausted from being in fight or flight, that sympathetic mode, we’ll slide into dorsal, which is the lowest rung on the polyvagal ladder. It’s resignation. We don’t want to fight anymore. We give up, numb out and just want the night to be over. Been there. Done that. Not enjoyable.

So what’s the happy medium?

Stopping our reaction and giving ourselves a moment to respond. A response is something considered, thought through. It’s taking in all the information and making a decision about how you’d like to handle it.