Hi, I’m Sandra. Welcome to The Happyist. Here we transform through holistic, eudaimonic happiness. Best part? It’s easy and kind of fun.
Oof. The last three weeks were a total effing doozy. The Year of the Double Fire Horse, plus a full moon, then Pluto going retrograde and an upcoming super new moon, coinciding with an epic project at the day job…it’s been a lot. As it stands, I’m recording and editing this the night before it posts. And I don’t do that. Last-minute makes me squirm.
Anyway, when I finally caught my breath from the shenanigans of the past three weeks, I sat down and binge-watched the second season of “Worst Ex Ever” on Netflix…and I had a reaction.
First, major appreciation for everyone who shared their story. Sincerely. These stories are harrowing and horrifying, and it took a lot of courage to speak out. The least we can do is honor them by learning from them.
So, let’s talk about love.
Some folks give me the side-eye when I say that the happiness derived from romantic love is hedonic. But it is. It comes from outside of us. And this series sort of highlights that. It’s too much frosting, not enough sponge. And what I walked away with after watching was how much more we need to love ourselves and prioritize ourselves to keep away from a Worst Ex Ever.
As a side note, I talk about that in this week’s Happy Rebel Podcast. I don’t plan to do a whole lot of overlapping like that, but I feel so strongly about this, I needed to continue it here.
We have to fully understand and embrace the fact that Self-Love is one of the most important things we need to nurture in our lives. It’s part and parcel of eudaimonic wellbeing, of being authentically happy. But, on the way to building that, we need to make it a key focus.
Self-Love is not vanity or arrogance or narcissism. It is healing. It is a source of strength and resilience. It sets boundaries that cannot be crossed. And, if someone tries, you see them for exactly who they are — someone who does not respect you — and you take action accordingly.
Throughout the four episodes of this new season, over and over the women — and gent — who found themselves in harm’s way said, “I saw the flags, but I was in love.” “I saw the flags, but I loved him/her.” And we have got to stop believing that love makes sense. That love is more important than our safety, our sanity, or our lives. Let me tell you, I am a gooey romantic. I love love. And I also love myself.
True love? That comes from within. It’s the sponge, the cake of the cake. It’s what you create for you, and then you can share with others who are worthy of that love. People who respect and honor you. Not a controlling, isolating, violent fuckwit.
And let me tell you, controlling, isolating, violent fuckwits can be very charming. They will love-bomb you in the ways you need love-bombing, then convince you the sky is green, and if you disagree with them, they will show you why you are wrong.
To put this another way, your love isn’t enough to fix anyone else. Know why? Because it’s not up to you to fix them. They have to fix themselves. That’s how it works.
Love isn’t co-dependency. And co-dependency is not only unhealthy, it can oftentimes be dangerous.
It sounds selfish to put yourself before another’s needs. Right? Especially as a woman. Well, that’s patriarchy, isn’t it? Because when those other people’s needs hurt you, put you in danger, who’s the selfish one: you for being self-protective or them for putting you at risk? This includes financial control and abuse, which I don’t think gets talked about enough. If anyone is willing to put you at risk for their betterment, their convenience or their pleasure, they are not someone you should be around. Even if you love them. Love yourself more.
Because when you truly, madly, deeply love yourself, you will immediately respond to a boundary being crossed. And that boundary-crossing may come with flowers, but you’ll recognize it for what it is, and will take action accordingly.
