Taking Scraps at the Buffet

Hi, I’m Sandra. Welcome to The Happyist. Here we get unstuck through appreciation and holistic happiness. It’s not as woo as it sounds. There’s science to back it up. And aren’t you ready to unstuck yourself? Good! Let’s go.

So, I’ve been talking to a couple of people who’ve been settling. And we all have done that or do it. This comes with no judgment or criticism. It is worth having curiosity about, though.

Why do we settle for what we’re given rather than going after what we want? Why do we take the scraps that are served to us where there’s a great big fluffy buffet right there waiting to be dived into? We don’t even have to wait for someone to come and take our order. We can walk right up with our plate and fill it.

But we don’t.

Why?

We take the job because we need it. Not because we want it. Not because it makes us happy. We take the job because there are bills to pay, and it would be irresponsible not to.

We make ourselves small because it will make others more comfortable. We become the person they want us to be, the person they are happy with. Doesn’t matter who we actually are.

We find ourselves in positions we don’t want to be in, but it’s too hard to get out of. Family entanglements. Financial entanglements. Family entanglements with financial entanglements.

I can break it down in a way that may make you not like me very much, but that’s sort of my job — to give the honesty, the truth nugget, the key to unlocking your shackles.

The reason why we dine on scraps is because it’s familiar. It’s comfortable. It’s safe.

And I’m sure more than a few of you feel a little heated over that. I get it. Hear me out.

It’s familiar because it’s likely linked to childhood. It’s comfortable, not as in it feels good, but it’s old shoes. You know what to expect. It’s safe because it is comfortable and familiar. Safe doesn’t mean protected. Safe means you’re alive.

Say you’re applying for a job and there are red flags flying all around — and, still, you pursue it. There are other jobs to apply for, some you’re even in the running for. But you still go after the red-flag-flying job. There are even parts of the job you don’t like and would rather not do. But you still go after it. Why?

Well, the money’s about right, and most of the job is fine. You’ll probably like it, some of the time.

Needing a job is real. Taking a job that will likely make you miserable is accepting scraps. And maybe you’ve done this before. It’s familiar, which is comfortable, which is safe. And that’s what keeps drawing us to the same situations. Yes, even the ones we swear we want to avoid.

Maybe like this:

You heal from your family trauma, and get into a relationship with someone wonderful. You meet their family. They seem wonderful. And then you start to discover the family dynamics are different but very familiar to the one you just healed from. But you did your work! So why are you confronted with the same stuff, only slightly different, again?

Because it’s familiar, which is comfortable, which is safe.

And, yes, you did the work. You did your healing. In one direction. For most wounds, healing needs to happen in a couple of directions.

You might have come to terms with your childhood stuff that makes taking scraps from a job feel familiar, comfortable, safe. But did you do the you work?

You might have dealt with your family issues that kept you from good relationships, and you did it so well, you got yourself a good relationship, but your partner’s family? Oof! You’re right back in it. Why? You did your family work, but did you do the you work?

We think that when we start to solve the puzzle of our issues that that’s all the work that needs doing. We forget that there’s blow back that covers us in sort of an invisible stain. We may not see it or feel it, but there’s something there that keeps the situation from being as clean as we’d like.

There’s more work to be done. The good news is, it’s actually less work, because you did the initial work, but there’s still work to do.

The you that first faced those issues needs to be heard and helped and healed. Usually, it’s a little you, because so much of this goes back to childhood. There was something that made us feel unsafe or small, unworthy, unlovable. And when we get curious as to why we are taking scraps instead of filling our plate, we’ll start to get some insight.

“I’m not special,” was one friend’s response. That’s why she takes scraps. Doesn’t matter that she is one of the smartest, most capable, if-we-were-trapped-on-a-deserted-island-she-would-get-us-home people I know. But that little feeling holds her back from going for the more she’s allowed to have.