What Is Happiness, Really?

Hi, I’m Sandra. Welcome to The Happyist.

What’s your definition of happiness? And how do you feel about it? Do you think happiness is fleeting? Do you think it’s a frivolous emotion? Do you think it’s real? And when you feel it, how does it come through? What’s its sensation? Go into detail. This is just for you.

I think we get off on the wrong foot with happiness at a young age, especially here in America. We are told we are to pursue happiness, like it’s something that we have to chase after, a carrot that is endlessly dangled in front of us, and only a lucky few will ever get it.

And then we malign it. Ignorance is bliss! But who wants to be a happy idiot? (Love that TV On The Radio song, though.)

We think happiness is a fool’s game. Happiness doesn’t even last. It’s gone before we ever really notice it was there. Why bother making it a priority?

And when I hear people talk about happiness that way, it breaks my heart and pisses me off. We’ve gotten happiness so effing wrong.

A lot of what we are taught about happiness is about the hedonic version. About what’s outside of us. We are told that people, places and material things are what will make us happy. That’s what we need to pursue, but not too hard because that happiness only lasts for a little while, then it evaporates.

Or we get too comfortable with what has made us happy. Take it for granted. We no longer appreciate it for what it is. Those people, places and material things have lost their value. We basically ignore what we once wanted so much, and that response is aptly named Hedonic Adaptation.

But all of that is not real happiness, folks. Seriously. It’s not.

If you’re a subscriber or signed up on The Happyist website, you will have received my little PFD titled, “WTF is Happiness Anyway?” In it, I go over how I break down happiness, using three vastly different metaphors. I try to cover all the bases.

I like to compare happiness to the ocean. Picture your favorite ocean for a moment. Being a Los Angeles native, I love the Pacific. No matter which you choose, the ocean is beautiful, majestic, soothing and maybe even a little scary. But the ocean is just the ocean. Sometimes, it’s calm. Sometimes, it’s a tsunami. Sometimes, we float on its current. Other times, we are too far away to see it, but we know it’s there, and we can go to it any time we want to.

That’s happiness. There are highs and lows, calm times and turbulent ones. Sometimes, we can’t see it or feel it, but it is always there. You don’t have to believe in the ocean for it to exist in reality. It is a constant.

Sit with that for a moment and feel if the ocean represents your definition of happy.

Another analogy is cake. Who doesn’t love cake? Pie people are raising their hands. Work with me, people. There is the cake cake, or the “sponge,” as Paul and Prue would say, and then there is the frosting. Really good cake, good sponge, doesn’t need frosting. Right? Look at angel food cake. That basically resists frosting.

The sponge, the cake of the cake, is eudaimonic happiness. That is the happiness that comes from within. It’s created by having a sense of self, of self-worth, of purpose and appreciation. And, if we nurture that, it’s in endless supply.

Picture a layer cake. Yum, right? Notice that there’s much more sponge than frosting. The ratio of frosting to sponge can either elevate the cake or ruin it. Frosting can be cloying. It can leave you with a sickly headache, nauseated, regretting your overindulgence. Been there.

Frosting is hedonic happiness. It’s not meant to be the main attraction. It’s meant to elevate your experience, not dominate it.

And, for my pie people, let’s talk about a double-crust situation; the filling is the eudaimonic happiness and the pastry is the hedonic. Crust is less likely to give you a cloying headache, but you know what I mean. It’s all about balance and keeping that ratio intact so we are elevated.

Photo by Food Photographer | Jennifer Pallian on Unsplash

We spend too much time and energy looking outside of ourselves for what will make us happy, getting it, and wondering why that happy didn’t last. That’s because you are trying to nourish yourself with frosting, baby. You need to make a better cake.